Words hold immense power. They can uplift, inspire, and heal, but they can also wound, divide, and create lasting harm. We have all experienced the consequences of hurtful speech, whether as the speaker or the recipient. I can still remember my Kindergarten teacher shaming me for not being able to correctly use my scissors, calling me a “baby.” And that’s over 60 years ago! But what if there was a way to harness the power of our words for good? Enter the three gates of right speech:

Right speech, also known as "samma vaca", is one of the tenets of the Noble Eightfold Path in Buddhism.The Buddha emphasized the importance of mindful and skillful communication through the use of these 3 “gates” we might pass through before speaking:

• Is it truthful?
• Is it necessary?
• Is it kind?

Let's explore how these gates can transform our communication and bring about positive changes in our relationships and our world.

The first gate reminds us of the importance of honesty in our speech. Before we speak, we must pause and ask ourselves, "Is what I'm about to say true?" In this era of “Fake News,” being truthful not only builds trust and credibility but also allows for authentic connection.

For example, imagine a friend asks you for your opinion on a new outfit she’s wearing. You know your friend. Does she need validation or is she genuinely seeking your opinion? Consider finding a way to express your thoughts without wounding. Perhaps note “Fashion is such a personal choice,” followed by “What do you love about your new outfit?” If she seems unsure about her choice, and asks again for your opinion, she has opened the gate for truth. If she enthusiastically gushes about how great she feels, she may not be ready for your perspective. Proceed with caution to Gate 2!

The second gate encourages us to reflect on the necessity of our words. Just because we can say something doesn't mean we should. Before speaking, we might ask ourselves, "Is what I'm about to say necessary?" This gate helps us practice restraint, preventing us from needlessly causing harm or adding to the noise of meaningless chatter.

For instance, imagine a heated argument where emotions are running high. Instead of lashing out with hurtful remarks, take a deep breath, assess the situation and consider whether your words will calm or inflame the conflict. Or perhaps you have great advice for your adult child about how to (fill in the blank). Unless that person asks for your advice, the gate to necessary speech remains closed. Choosing to remain silent isn’t easy, but it’s often the path to greater understanding and harmony.

The third gate is perhaps the most important and often the most challenging. It urges us to infuse our speech with kindness and compassion. Even when we speak the truth and deem it necessary, we must still consider, "Is what I'm about to say kind?" “Am I building bridges or walls?”

For example, if your spouse makes a mistake while in the company of others, instead of publicly pointing out their error and shaming them, find a way to address the issue privately, with kindness and a focus on growth. (also, remember Gates 1 & 2 before deciding to proceed!) By embracing the third gate, we cultivate an environment where people feel safe, valued, and empowered.

As we journey through life, our words have the potential to shape our experiences and the lives of those around us. The three gates of right speech, although difficult to master, offer a roadmap to creating a kinder, more harmonious world—one word at a time.

Until next time,

~ Rosemary