Take care of your own, and the world will take care of itself.

~ Voltaire from Candide

The theme of Midlife Yoga this March is "Tend your own garden." In the literal sense, get out the rake, the spade & the shovel, & begin the work of preparing the soil. But in the yogic sense, our theme is "Clean up your own side of the street."

Let's paint the scene... your significant other is doing something, and you don't approve. The doctor advised him to stay away from salty foods, and there he is munching on a bag of potato chips. So you point out his poor choice ever so sweetly. "Honey, you know the doctor said no salt. Are you sure you should be eating those chips?" As he continues his snacking, oblivious to your wise advice, you grow more & more agitated. "Sweetie, your blood pressure is already high. Why don't you let me cut up some nice celery sticks for you?" His response may vary in phrasing or intensity, but it's likely something along the lines of, "If I wanted some damn celery sticks, I'd be eating them!" At this point, anything is possible, but usually it involves angry words & hurt feelings.

Why, then, do we offer unsolicited advice? Why do we cross the street to clean up the (perceived) mess on someone else's side? We tell ourselves we are just trying to be helpful, trying to take care of a loved one. But to find the real answer, cross back to your own side and take a look in the mirror.

We attempt to control the behavior of others so that WE will feel safe. In the above scenario, the husband's risk of poor health might negatively impact the wife, so to protect herself from her fears of hospitals, nursing homes & funeral parlors, the wife instead tries to micromanage her husband's behavior. Even if he put the bag of chips down & ate the celery sticks, the wife has now placed her need for safety & certainty in the hands of her husband's behavior. It's like standing guard at the door of the pantry & it's exhausting.

Here's the reality... you cannot control another person's choices. It is one of Life's most difficult lessons, & I fail at this more times than I care to mention. The good news is that you can control your own reactions to the things that upset you. You can focus on your own side of the street & practice something known as Compassionate Detachment.

Think of it like this... you're watching a movie on TV & the main character is your potato chip-eating hubby. Can you watch his behavior & notice what feelings it evokes in YOU? Anger, frustration, fear? This is hard, I know, but stay on your side of the street, watching & taking deep breaths. Focus on yourself. Tell yourself, "I feel afraid watching this scene unfold. I feel angry that this character is so cavalier with his health. If he gets seriously ill or dies, what will happen to me?"

Here's how you practice compassionate detachment: Honor the choices of others even if they are opposite of yours. Bless them in love and release any hurt or harm they make have caused you. Trust they are on their own soul path leading to their own soul’s evolution.

If the time feels right, open a conversation about the issue with your loved one (or a trusted friend). Without blame or finger-pointing, talk about your fear, your anger, and explore the past experiences that may lie beneath. Be willing to become an active listener. You may learn something about the other person's underlying feelings. This may not change the unwanted behaviors; in fact, it probably won't. But it will lessen your suffering and release you from the burden of being responsible for someone else's choices.

You cannot control the behaviors of others. You cannot clean someone else's side of the street. But you can tend your own garden and cultivate something lovely. Not in a day, but as with a garden, with time & caring attention.

When do you find yourself on someone else's side of the street? This week, simply see if you can notice when it happens. That's enough for now...

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Until next time,

~ Rosemary